Johmomblog

My intention from day one with labour and birth were to have a good experience to labour in love, in pleasure, in power and intuition to not subscribe to the narratives of fear, trauma, and disconnection that are so prevalent to pregnant woman. The sharing of traumatic stories is so loud its important to make space for good ones as well. So here I go! 

I want to share my story to let people know it is possible to enjoy labour and birth and pregnancy. I am grateful for the women who experienced positive birth experiences that shared this outlook and possibility to envision a different story with me so I could myself. I focused to set myself up for good experiences. I purposely chose to not look into any books or videos or others stories about pregnancy, labour or birth to avoid trauma stories and stayed committed on learning as I went throughout my pregnancy what being and experiencing pregnancy was like for me without any one else’s influence. 

Hello Due Date!

So fast forward an enjoyable pregnancy to ten months pregnant 40 weeks its time to go into labour! 

The book I was reading ” The Motherly Guide to Becoming Mama Redefining Pregnancy, birth, and Postpartum Journey” gives weekly insight to what to expect with you and baby. For the 40 week mark it said: ” Happy due date! That’s 280 days! You did it! Your baby is the size of a pumpkin, possibly over 20 inches long. It will be exciting- after weeks of imagining your baby as a garden-growing plant- to discover that your baby is not a fruit at all! (But they will always be your little pumpkin.)”

Okay…. alright… so this is it… we made it…. but the thing was and I could feel it in my body; we were not going into labour. We were certainly going to be going over the “due date”. 

Again with very little insight on pregnancy in general for me reaching the due date was one of my goals, I thought that was a good thing and it was but what I didn’t know and soon would discover is that going past your due date can bring up some concerns in the medical scenes and so its important to really get things moving is the guidance I received.

I was told by my midwife that after 42 weeks I would not be able to deliver at the clinic and would have to give birth at the hospital and that it can become dangerous for the baby being post due date as the oxygen levels begin to decrease… because they are taking up more space… and the sac starts to deteriorate…. and so you would have to get induced… and its more challenging for natural delivery…. with the growing size and weight…. and all these scary things were awful and stressful for me to hear. It put a lot of pressure on me and made me feel like I was doing something wrong by not being on the schedule they want me to be… and tapping into those fear and trauma narratives I was adamant to steer clear of.

Sovereignty over my Birth

Sovereignty over my birth was my primary focus and wish. I absolutely did not want to get induced at a hospital as this took away from my bodily autonomy and innate ability to give birth and respect when the baby is ready. however the pressure was intense and for the first time of the pregnancy I started to get a little worried and the due date started giving me anxiety and immense pressure. I felt that I was doing everything I could but I was not meeting the textbook details and feeling like this could compromise my birth plans. 

So I tried my best to simply go inwards and not focus on the noise or outside stress and focus on me and my baby. My mom mentioned the Wolf full moon was coming up and not to worry that many women pregnancy cycles are aligned with the full moon and I would likely have her then. 

This was re-assuring. I was booked for a ultrasound because I was over my due date and the practionner told me my due date was actually December 25th instead of January 2nd . That the student who did my first ultrasound must not have given the details to midwife. So this made me extra stressed but I had to release this and just focus on my ability to give birth and connect with the divine timing of my Childs arrival and her knowing when is best. To surrender and trust.

Labour Timeline

From December 25- January 1st we started trying to get more active we went cross country skiing which was a huge highlight for me and actually really meaningful as before I came to be born my mom cross country skied to try to get me out as I was 2 weeks over my due date. So it felt special and familiar in a way to do this cycle. It felt like a womb memory I could relate to with my child with.

Every night and soon night and day in this labour timeline period I would listen to positive birth affirmations, hypnobirthing and labour meditations, and empowered labour and birth playlists. I would dim the lights and put on our egg lamp (which I highly recommend) and sound machine. And set the tone for optimal relaxation. My partner would massage me with my Lavender body massage Oil which was a go to through out the pregnancy for baby belly massages. Once we were past the due date our entire days were focused on naturally encouraging labour. My partner would do acupressure points which really helped. And relaxation and release of oxytocin were really important so he would massage my breast and we would cuddle and kiss and do breathing techniques. It was a really beautiful time for us and we really worked at entering the birthing process together. which for us was soft loving sensual and bliss. I loved it.

On January 1st we had our first semblance of what I thought contractions might be they were big breaths and big pauses and then big releases where my belly would fully expand and then tighten and then release. It was exciting for us we were so excited about the labour. omg its happening! My belly would engulf like the full moon and the tighten, repeat. We would curiously and excitedly watch and feel my body go through these big and dramatic movements and kind of take over… we would tell the baby follow the map! the hormone line that was drawn down the center of my belly crossed my belly button and to the vagina.

We went for long walks one so long we had to stop at wacky wings for a meal on the way home lol. We did stretches and exercises on the yoga ball. And I tried to eat Okra soup and drink okra water. And to be honest this might just have done it!

On January 2nd in the evening these strange body movements continued this time we called the midwife and she came over and suggested we come to the clinic. omg its happening! we were so excited. We packed all our labour bags into her car and headed to the clinic from 9 pm to 12 am these belly tensions continued. It was like we were moving into a new apartment we definitely packed too much lol in retrospect and funny to look back on that. I was able to walk around take a shower on my own and got set up cozy on the bed it was exciting and like we were at a nice airbnb I started to relax and then we were sent home… It was discouraging but we laboured down and went home for a good sleep.

On January 3rd we had our ultrasound everything looks good. the due date thing was still in contention. I kept telling myself I just need to surrender and not feel into these external pressures. At 7:20 pm the belly tensions resumed for an hour and a half. My belly engulfing and contracting and really showing me the baby and then releasing it felt like pumping.

Throughout my pregnancy I learned alot most notably in labour. There is no pressuring birth. There is only surrender. Birth takes time. regardless of pressure to deliver at a certain date or time. Birth is a slow, beautiful and powerful process and it takes a lot of work and collaboration. The three of us worked so strongly together in unison. It is magic how dynamic the body is and how it prioritizes itself when listened to it knows exactly what it needs. I love that I have been gifted the honour to bear my Child. I’ve learned so much and i’m so grateful for the lessons of patience, surrender, calm, intuitive birth that is slow and conscious natural and pure. Labour is slow and is meant to be. It is a multi-day process and we all need to give 110%.

-Some journal notes I wrote as I began my slow labour journey

The Wolf Moon

On January 3rd at 11:30 pm I started to get intense cramps like on the first day of my period. They lasted the entire next day of January 4th. At 11:30pm of January 4th my midwife came over to assess. We were 1 cm dilated and she was sure this was it. We were entering active labour. She told us to call once we’ve been in active labour for 4 hours straight with contraction at 1 minute intervals.

At 4am the cramps significantly increased and started to become way more painful that an extremely painful period and actually become unrecognizable to any type of pain I’ve experienced prior. I remembered from my meditations “ride the wave”. They were so painful I could no longer stay in bed. I tried to find ways to soothe I focused on my tools my mindset, determination, and comforts. I took a hot bath, I made tea but increasingly I couldn’t do anything but bear down and feel it out. and scream. eventually my partner woke up at 7am. I didn’t want to wake him incase it was like the days before where I laboured down. I had already taken two baths and by this time was in so much pain I was crying and trying really hard to focus on the goal of releasing the pain, knowing its temporary, riding the wave, applying the mental work I had practiced. but dam this was humbling. It was a cramp I had never felt before unlike any other and not at all what I thought a contraction was or would be. At first I would get about a 5 minutes break in between each contraction by the time Wilfried was awake these had significantly dropped. I would call out START as Wilfried scrambled around the house to get last minute items or cope with his nerves STOP and he would try to time them which was also in retrospect kind of hilarious to even attempt lol. it was consistent 1 minute intervals. My partner immediately called the midwife at 8 am at the 4 hour mark. it had definitely been 4 hours of active labour. I could not help but scream. She heard me on the phone and was quick to say yes come to the clinic. we called a cab and drove to the clinic. omg we were going to meet our baby was no longer even in the conversation we were simply focused on the present moment addressing the wild waves of pain.

I had read in the book Ina May’s guide to Childbirth an experience that stuck with me that in labour it is possible to reach a point where you transcend the pain and the pain becomes bliss I did not yet experience this in labour. The contractions were extremely painful I did not take any medication. My medicine was my partners hands whose each contraction he would counter pressure my lower back or side of hips to try and give me some relief. It was unbearable. there were no positions that were comfortable and changing positions made the contractions feel even more intense. a ripping of the lining within. the time between contractions only a minutes rest. in these moments I could rest but also anticipate and prepare for the next was what it was.

I rode the wave as best I could for 12 hours of intense contractions with 1 minute intervals and no medication. an agony I have never traversed before. but I remained positive focused and determined I knew it was temporary but temporary in the present moment is intense. in this wild life changing time I accidentally pooped in front of my partner fortunately making it into the toilet, as I tried to make it to the toilet in between contractions but thats how fast they were coming! I was starting to release a horrible odor from my vagina that really bothered and disturbed me, I only ate healthy gummy bears, I did all our breathing techniques and tried my hardest to keep mental focus: I got this, stay calm and determined. the contractions persisted and were ruthless. My most vivid memory is okay here come the next one, its coming its coming, and my partner running to me and me grabbing onto him for dear life to ride the wave and then releasing as this contraction would pass.

at 4 pm the midwife checked my dilation. After all that work I was only at 4cm dilated; the goal being 10cm. its hard to put into words and I believe that that is why many don’t know what the sensation of contractions even are or the stamina required to endure them, face them, and ride them they are truly so unique and another milestone leading to motherhood.

my midwife told me while I was in the bath she strongly recommends I go to the hospital but it is my choice. that continuing like this I will burn out and it would become dangerous for me and my baby. I cried I really tried I wanted to have a natural birth at the clinic but I knew in that moment it wouldn’t be possible and I accepted. I accepted but not in defeat. I knew I gave it my all and would continue to. I faced the contractions with all my force but doing another 12 hours to not even be fully dilated was overwhelming to imagine. I fully accepted it was time and I could feel we needed support. I was proud of myself for how far I got and would continue to go and was grateful there was further support available.

The feeling of knowing I was going to support brought a relief I will always remember. we got to the hospital and I was hooked up for ivy and epidural. In my wildest dreams I never imagined that I would be in this scenario and be so willing, ready and adamant to receive this medication. My entire view and perspectives fully changed I was living how it is possible to have a conscious and sovereign birth also at the hospital and accepting medication is not weakness it is wisdom for some entirely appropriate and others not. pregnancy is an incredibly delicate passage and gateway surfacing life and death that is very humbling. im glad it opened my views to the importance of intervention being available and an option.

That being said funnily the epidural was not setting in I took 9 x time regular dose before It set in. my mom later told me this often happens to female wolves they don’t go down easy to tranquilizers the adrenaline and focus keeps them awake and alert. I told them the placebo effect must not be working as in general I don’t prescribe to pharmaceuticals. anyways finally it kicked in and finally I could relax a little I still felt each and every contraction and knew what was going on. I was awake and actively engaged. but I could breathe and let my body open with more ease. ahhh I remember sighing of relief wow I think this is the first time i’ve smiled all day I said. followed by “i’d love to eat something could you pass me one of our meals”. The midwife said oh sorry you cant eat while you’re on the epidural. oh wow I remember not eating all day other than those healthy gummies at the start. I was going into another tank of energy beyond food or Human resources.

at 7pm it was time to push. I was fully dilated, motivated and lets gooooo. I was so excited I could feel this was what my body was preparing me for. I could feel the learned rhythm of the contractions and had pieced together how to work with them for this purpose. Time to bring our baby into this world. The contractions were so intense I could feel them through the epidural but this time I could transcend the pain because it was time to push and the pushing felt SO good. I was completely connected with my baby and my body and the guidance of the contractions, my inner wisdom and my knowing of my body especially pelvic floor. This was our moment to shine.

I knew we could do this and we were ready. The pushing felt amazing. My midwife was so impressed she thought she’d have to guide me to push but could tell I knew exactly what to do and let me do it. I felt the most powerful and in tune with myself ever. I was excited for each opportunity to push. now instead of dreading the contraction I was eager for them. lets goooo!! I held my partners hand and confidently pushed. My partner whispered to me just like when you orgasm love. and I was like I got this we were so prepared. I entered the transformation of pain to bliss and ultimately pushed my 10.5 pound baby out and it was orgasmic. The way birth is meant to be. Exactly what I wanted. I heard the biggest splash of water like the wave had finally reached the land. haaaaaaa we arrived.

I looked up at my partner he burst into tears it was an overwhelming delight it was the most beautiful feeling I hadn’t seen her yet but I could feel her and see her beauty in his eyes. They handed her to me and finally I met my beautiful baby girl she stared directly in my eyes and immediately started breastfeeding. I was in utter amazement wow this baby is so wise, so intelligent, so instinctual. She knows exactly what to do. She just stared at me in total confidence and showed me how to feed her. I knew from this moment we will always work together. I fully trust her and admire her beyond words. Her innate wisdom is so profound. I committed to always do my best to see her in all her growth and change. wow we did it! at 7:43 pm she was born.

The most incredible thing for me was first the immediate breast feeding and eye contact and then her smell. she smelled like the best smell I had ever smelled in my life the only thing I could compare it to were the most delicious cookies. I kept smelling her she smelled soooooo good and saying she smells like cookies! I now know the smell of true love for me.

ultimately when I look back on labour it was the most incredible experience of my life her birth my greatest creation. leading up to her birth was fun and truly enjoyable and special. it gave my partner an incredible depth to our connection and it enlightened me in the most profound ways.

I admire all women and their unique paths to delivering their babies.